Sad Days

Warning: this is long, rambly and depressing. I just want to get some of these feelings down on "paper" so to speak, so I can get them out a little bit.

I am writing this from my parents' house, where I am spending the night....and will probably be spending a lot more time for the indefinite future. We got some sad news from the doctors the other day, that my father will most likely not be coming home from the hospital. He is just too weak, and needs too much care for us to be able to handle it on our own, and hospice doesn't provide enough hours to handle it either (insurance covers 20 hours a week, and we can't afford to pay privately). He was re-admitted last night, after a hellish 27 hours in the ER (don't get me started on THAT), because his pneumonia had flared up again. He was only discharged on Saturday, and by Sunday we were back at the hospital. It's obvious to my mother, sister and I now that he should never have been discharged, but we can't dwell on that.

No one has mentioned time frames related to prognosis to us yet, but several doctors/PAs/social workers have come to talk to us about next steps. Basically, we had to make a decision as to whether or not my father wanted to be resuscitated in case his heart stops. The answer was no, so he signed a DNR. That threw us all for a loop, we had no idea we were at that point yet. Then the social worker came to discuss his options for discharge, since it became clear that going home wasn't going to be an option. We decided on a local hospital that is well known for providing end of life care, specializing in cancer care. They're very compassionate, are well versed in dealing with cancer, so all of his medical needs will be met, they have no visiting hours, so we can go any time we want, and my mother can stay over if she wants to. He'll be in a private room , that we are welcome to add homey touches like pictures, etc to, and they really want to make sure that the family is able to spend as much time with the patient as pssible, instead of worrying about care-taking. Since it's a hospital, it'll also be covered under his health insurance, so we don't have to worry about mounting debt either.

There have been a lot of tears the last few days, so much so that my entire face feels like it's burning from the salt. I seem to have gotten it a bit more under control, and only had a few breakdowns yesterday as opposed to God knows how many yesterday. We've made an appointment with a lawyer to get the estate issues in order (it's fairly simple, since my parents are still married, but we do need to have it down on paper so there are no legal issues). We've also decided that my mother will do her will at the same time so we don't have to do this again. My mother has started compiling paperwork (insurance policies, titles to the cars and house) and my father has told her where he wants to be buried. It's all very depressing, and frankly should have been done a long time ago, but my parents are fairly young (Mom is 55, Dad is 58) so they weren't thinking of this just yet.

I've been having guilt over the fact that I haven't been at the hospital every day, because I am juggling working at the club, trying to find a new position, and living in a different borough with no car. The social worker tried to assuage those feelings yesterday, telling me that no matter what happens, life still goes on, and I need to not sabotage my life because of what's happening here. I feel a bit better but it is still weighing on my heavily. I've also been feeling a bit sorry for myself, thinking about things like who will walk me down the aisle when I get married....about how my father will never get to hold one of my children in his arms...he will never get to see me healthy and happy in my own skin...

If you've read this far, sorry to be such a downer. I've been bottling a lot of this up, and while I've started to reach out to friends who are offering support, I also wanted to put it into words.

In order to relate this to the band, as a result of the stress, my band is super super tight...not that I've felt like eating much. Today I had a few bagel chips with cream cheese for "breakfast" (since I am not working, I sleep late, and don't eat for a few hours once I get up), 2 teeny tiny slices of flatbread pizza, some cheese and crackers, and a rice pudding. That was it for the day. Yesterday was about 8 potato chips and a meatloaf muffin with gravy. I know I need to get some more protein in, and definitely need more water. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be any good to the rest of the family, when we all need each other.